Held Back

It’s hard starting over. Twice in three years was a bit much, to my mind.

I really don’t remember too much about my first two years at Pinecrest School, or even those kids I spent those years of school with. Which is odd. They were there with me for the next four years, but we invest in the kids we share our classes with, not those who are in separate rooms.

Why didn’t I spend my grade school years with them? Because I was held back. I was young and struggling to keep up those first years. I remember being small, smaller than all my classmates, but that stands to reason, considering that I was a December baby, and most of my classmates had a full year development on me. I do remember struggling. I felt stupid most of the time. I’d never felt stupid before, but I suppose there’s a first time for everything.

The principal, Richard Litchfield, recognized that I was struggling and advised my parents that I should be held back. My mother tells me that it was a difficult decision to undertake, but in the end, they did what he advised.

I was too young to understand. The kids I spent the next four years with told me that I failed Grade 2, which was why I was repeating it. It must have seemed the only explanation, to them, regardless my explaining that I was held back and that was not the same as failing (I didn’t understand it, myself, so I had a difficult time convincing others). They didn’t understand why anyone would do that, and must have thought I was lying to save face. Dave failed Grade 2; simple; easy to understand. The year passed and I suppose it slipped from everyone’s mind; they knew me by then; I was one of their friends by then and it didn’t really matter anymore. But I never forgot that feeling of failure as I walked into Grade 2 for the second time. I guess those early traumas leave deep scars.